Maybe I should have been suspicious that Barclays were lending the highest amounts for their mortgages but they are Barclays right? Bastion of the High Street. If they can't get it right, we might as well give up now.

Sooo. I get sent an invitation to online banking for the new mortgage account with one of these secret codes in it. I'm glad my eyes are good because I suspect this is one of the least accessible security mechanisms since Captcha! Remove the thing and put it on a white surface.

Right, so then I enter the poorly thought-out 3-stage process. I try to register but it tells me I am already registered. Right. Login then. Enter your name and your ridiculously long membership number. A full 12 numbers to type in. Good luck if you can't see or type very well. Then enter your magic number from the letter. OK so far.

But now. You are NOT registered really. You have a number but you need to set a memorable word and your own passcode. So really, you haven't registered but these are done in the login screen to confuse you. No worries, I write software, I can handle it. What I can't handle is firstly that your number has to be exactly 5 digits. Why can't I use more if I want? Ican remember all kinds of numbers but forcing me to choose 5 digits means I have to invent a new number and write it down - just so I can lose it later.

Next, enter a memorable word. But what's this? I cannot seem to type more than 8 characters before the typing stops. Please, not another site which works on Chrome but not Firefox? Nope. Despite not saying-so in the help icon (which I did check). It seems not to work.

OK. I start up chat and talk to the most useless person who starts very early with suggesting I call the phone number. Surely they are the same team? Obviously he doesn't understand, tells me to start up a new browser despite chatting with him in the browser. It is all very painful so I decide talking to someone might be better.

So, another experience with a poor telephone system, "press 1 for..." although to be fair there aren't many levels. Then, "please type in your debit card number or membership number". No problem but 12 digits later and "we didn't recognise it". Oh for f**k sake. Maybe I mistyped it but no, didn't work the next time either. If you want more options, press *, "please enter your sort code". I don't have one, this is a mortgage account. Anyway, the lady seems to know that the memorable word is between 6 and 8 characters but doesn't know that it doesn't say that in the app. Apparently, "it is designed that way". I appreciate she wasn't being too literal but the irony of something designed so badly didn't escape me.

OK. So now I know. I type in the first 8 characters of my usual memorable word and press next and the page seems to reload and ask me to type in the data again. That's OK. I must be logging in right? Nope. I appear to be registering again but not the normal registering, the Barclays "login registering". Right, it's asking for my code. Is this the new one I think I just set or the one in the letter? Obiously I chose wrong so I'm back to the start again.

Several iterations later, I attempt to "login register" and it tells me my passcode has a sequence of digits (pretty sure that's what a number is). I can only assume that the advanced AI has detected that the digits 876 in the middle of the number are way too predictable and must not be allowed. So now to make up another number and write it down (to lose later) since I cannot use a version of the number I use for everything else.

So now I'm in. Great. I only really wanted to login to check my contact details since I've recently moved. I eventually find my details among the fairly standard corporate bullshit menu overload that exists in most of these apps and notice that both my email and phone numbers are out of date. I think I will click the change button. I get a crap looking dialog that says something about needing to have a current account in very poorly written English and which means nothing to me.

Back on the phone. Membership number rejected again. I get through to someone else who also knows that you cannot change mortgage account details in the app. I feel like my objection that they shouldn't be shown at all or it should show a message more clearly (or even remove the change buttons) are just falling on deaf ears. Of course, he doesn't have any input to the design process and like most corporates, their bureaucracy is so overwhelming that it impossible for them to address these small but easy to fix niggles.

I suspect they mostly get away with it because, like me, most mortgage customers will never login to the online system because it is difficult and doesn't even do anything useful like let you change your details.

Maybe I'll jump ship next time the mortgage comes up for renewal. It is all very well saying you care about your customers but if you are unable to actually make that happen, even on the basic level of functionality, you have already lost.